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Today Is The Day...

... that I was due to have our baby dodger. It feels so strange having my first due date come. I really thought I'd be pregnant with a healthy baby by now and it's just weird that I'm not. But I guess you just have to accept the fact that it is what it is and at the end of the day we never know what's going to happen. I pray something amazing is around the corner for us and I pray that by my next due date there's a baby in my belly.

Wait

There’s no words to describe the way I’ve been feeling since this last December. It seems that as soon and I get the bandage in place over my broken heart and start to feel like I’m on my way to recovery, that bandage is so quickly ripped off and without it’s support my heart breaks right in two.

As soon as I feel content with the fact that I’ll never know “why”, it seems like I have another pondering question for God that I can’t get an answer to.

When I feel like I’ve finally regained my sanity, I lose it the moment I hear a baby cry or see a baby sleep and just like that the tears start to roll and it’s as if I could drowned in my own tears and fears.

Will I ever be a mother? Will ever make Matt and father? Will I ever really feel like a women who can carry another human life? These are all just more question that haven’t been answered.

I’ve drifted from church and my faith far before I staring losing baby after baby. But now I’m to the point where I feel like if I don’t have God, what do I have?

I found a poem that I’d like to share, and if you’ve ever been through a loss or if trying to conceive is harder than you thought it would be, I know where you’re coming from and I know that hearing someone tell you to relax and wait isn’t easy. But I hope you can open your heart and although at times it isn’t easy, I pray that you can have faith that there is someone looking over you who knew you before you were born and who knows what is to come. And although I’ve struggled and I continue to, I pray that in the midst of all the tears, testing, planning and trying that you take a moment and find peace with the fact that we have today, and today we can be loving, today we can be uplifting, today we can be that friend to someone who needs us. And today we can listen for God and if he tells us to have faith and wait, I pray we can hear that.





“Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:
Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
and the Master so gently said, "wait"

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply
"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign
or even a no to which I’ll resign
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
from and infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should you pain quickly flee
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
and though often my answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Short Lived

HPTs are stilling coming up positive, I've been taking the progesterone - but I've started bleeding. Another one bites the dust.

Chin Up

I keep telling myself that today I am pregnant, and I pray that I will be tomorrow.

I went to get my results and I was surprised when the lady handed them to me and HCG was not on the page. She had in fact run my blood yesterday for the cycle day 3 blood work and not the HCG. So after I asked them about the billing and if I would be charged (which they told me I would unless my Dr calls and says they didn't need those results) they agreed to retake my blood and correctly test for HCG, which I had them do.

Then I left, I was disappointed since I'd been praying all day for a high number and then I looked at the results from yesterday and realized that part of the cycle day 3 testing was progesterone, and as of yesterday my progesterone was at 4.20 - sigh.

4.2... I don't even know what to think. I am discouraged, defeated and I feel like I need to prepare myself for another miscarriage.

***Update***
Nurse called, HCG was 7 - My numbers must be dropping since yesterday because I can't figure out how I got a positive digital yesterday :(

03.02.11

It’s crazy how “normal” I feel. And actually it’s a little scary, because I am officially pregnant again! I want to feel pregnant and have the reassurance that my baby is growing and going to make us the parents that we’ve prayed to be.

But I am taking this one day at a time and trying to be grateful for not having morning sickness, but I wish my boobs hurt or something! I just feel like the lack of symptoms can’t be a good thing! But we’ll find out.

I got my blood drawn today and we’ll get those results tomorrow, I hope it’s a good number! I’m also on my way to pick up my progesterone prescription, it’s $99 - but if it helps me have a healthy baby it is worth every penny!

I can’t tell if I’m so happy that I’m numb, or if my guard is up and I’m afraid of losing another baby. Only time will tell.

Spinning

I woke up this morning and I let out a huge sigh. *sigh* I realized that no matter what I go through, no matter how sad I may get and how alone I may feel, the world spins on. I feel trapped in time, trapped in a sorrowful pose. I watch people get up and keep living their life. Their world spins, their world is beautiful, but so is mine, but I’ve just been to stuck to notice.

I’m scared to say it out loud, because what if it doesn’t happen. What if I’m wrong? But I’m stepping over my fears and saying it, I will get pregnant. I will hold my baby, I will make it to full term. And to prove even more how far I’m stepping over my fears, I will even say that I will get pregnant this month. Knock on wood, I hope I didn’t jinx it. But even if I did, I accept the fact that my life and my world will still spin on; Onto another cycle, another dose of medication, another box of OPKs. But regardless of it if happens this month, next month, or next year, I will not stand still as the world spins on.

I Pinky Promise

To every woman out there that is faced with the trials of trying to conceive and the words that are too often told to us that are supposed to make us feel better, but after months of negative pregnancy test and failed attempts of starting a family their words of "It will happen when it's meant to be" and "just relax" are as bad and ear shredding as nails on a chalk board. This is my promise to you:


I won't tell you that it will happen when it's meant to be. Because that's not the truth and sometimes things happen that aren't meant to happen or meant to be. Sometimes you get over something just for the wound to be ripped open again. Sometimes everything you feel like you've worked for is unfairly taken away from you before you get the chance to say goodbye, or even hello for that matter.

I don't think any of that is just simply "meant to be" and I don't think any of that happens because it wasn't the right time or because you weren't relaxed. I think it happens because that's life and sometimes you get a bad hand. But what's important is that when you fold that bad hand, you don't leave the table. You wait and you take the next hand thats dealt to you. Because statistically, at some point, you'll get a better hand.

I'm holding out bad hand after bad hand in hopes that the next one dealt to me will be my "full house". My full house of kids and babies that I get to actually hold in my arms not just in my heart.

So my hope for you is that you sit back down at the table and throw in your old cards and tell the dealer of life that you're ready for a new hand. And whether its good or bad, you'll put on your poker face and just keep playing until you get that perfect hand. I will keep playing, I'll take the gamble and place my bets. And I will never tell you that that you'll get your hand when its meant to be and when you relax. That is my promise to you.

All Jacked Up

I'm a little confused right now with my body. I'm 13 dpo with no signs of pregnancy or my period.

I've had many consecutive days now of negative pregnancy test and it's killing me! Typically my luteal phase is 12 days long and here I am, 1 day late for my expected period and nothing but negative test to show for it.

I'm just a little confused right now - my temps have been the same the last two days, they have gone down, but no where close to my cover-line and I have no cramps, bloating or AF symptoms.

On the other hand I also have no pregnancy symptoms. My boobies don't hurt, I don't feel extra tired (however ironically while typing that I let out a yawn).

So for right now, I am confused. Hopefully tomorrow's temp will give me some insight. But if you ask me, I think this is all jacked up for my body to be playing games with me!

Positive Pregnancy Test, Too Bad I Didn't Get One Too

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get pregnant this cycle. I received a text this morning from my best girl friend Ms. T telling me that I'm going to be a Auntie!

It's bitter sweet. I know how much Ms. T and her hubby want this and how hard they've tried. But we've always planned on going through this together and I'm just so afraid that I'll be called to the hospital for her delivery before I'm even pregnant.

I tested this morning, negative. Fail.

If I Could Just Glue it All Together

There's nothing like fake flowers, moss and some hot glue to cure the infertility blues. Yesterday some of my girlfriends came over for coffee, gossip and a little crafting, I made a Summer wreath and I'm happy with the end product, I couldn't have done it without the help of Ms. T (she's my real life baby fever buddy!)

Too bad I can't just hot glue a baby in place in my ute to make sure (s)he stayed there for a good long 40 weeks! Oh if it was only that easy!

What's Going On With My Ovaries?

oh. em. gee. My chart is a hot mess, up, down and all around! Hot Mess. I can't tell if I'm going to ovulate or if my ovaries have decided to shrivel up and die. le sigh.

A Letter For The Future

My dearest beautiful baby,
It chills my spine and raises my hair just to think that someday I’ll read this to you as I’m holding you in my arms. To have a baby I can actually hold in my arms and not just in my heart seems impossible right now, its like telling a blind man that someday he will see. It seems unattainable, far off and like a dream.

I promise I will love you and be honest with you about life, love and faith and their importance. I can guarantee you that at some point you will question them all and doubt their existence and importance and I can guarantee that because I’m doubting them right now. I question why I was given life. I question why our first two babies were denied life. I question if I loved them enough, if I would have loved them more would they be here. I question God, is he even real? And to be honest, I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. But if you’re really here, in my arms then I’ll know without a doubt that through love and faith there can be life.

Your Daddy and I have prayed for you and prayed that one day you would find your way from heaven to our home. We’ve pray that we get to be your parents and share with you the love we’ve been shown from our parents. I‘ve cried for hours, but none of that will ever come close to showing you how much my heart has broken, just to have you here in my arms.

Please know that life isn’t a fairytale, but we will raise you to treat everyone, including yourself, like royalty. With respect and dignity. Please know that we won’t always be your favorite people, but punishing you when you act out will be just as hard on us as you think it is on you.

My biggest struggle will be to let go from a hug, to not squeeze you too tight, to not kiss you until your cheeks are red, and to one day let you go to school and someday move out and have a family of your own.

I pray that no boy or girl ever breaks your heart, I pray that all your dreams come true, but most of all I pray that you never lose a child before you even get a chance to hold them. I pray that you know how much we love you and how hard it was to push through the pain and keep trying for a baby that would stick with us forever and not just a few weeks or months. I pray you know that you were made with love and carried with fear, concern, doubt but mostly hope.

It hasn’t been easy, but once I’m holding you in my arms, it will have been worth it.
We love you.

Love,

Mommy

Go Fish

I bought a 20 pack of ovulation test over the weekend and they've been sitting in our bedroom staring at me, positioned perfectly so they are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

I feel like they are just left over from our "trying" days when we would anxiously await ovulation so we could try to get pregnant. But I'm pretty sure I got pregnant and that I should have no need for these test. But then the door bell rings, and I call out "Whose there?!" well it's no one other then Mr. Reality-Check! Then I quickly realize those test are not leftovers, they are not a memory from when we used to TTC. They are our test to be used this cycle when we TTC again, because I'm not pregnant.

You would think by now it wouldn't come as such a shock to me that I'm not pregnant anymore, but every day it stuns me as if it was just yesterday that I was taking my 9 week belly shot. And here I am, not pregnant, not happy about another month of peeing on sticks, but completely grateful for the love I have and receive from my husband and family. I am right back where we started. Two years and two miscarriages later, we are back to trying to conceive. Who would have thought.

Life is like a game of Go Fish, you just gotta keep playing until you get a match. Fish fish got my wish, then taken away for me in a swish, start the game over with a kiss, trying to conceive, what a risk.

Self Sabotage

Where do you draw the line? And at what point do you realize that you're only hurting yourself?! I thought I was done crying, I thought I was ready to heal. But I put myself in situations that I know are going to hurt. I try so hard not to look at the Coach diaper bag Hubby gave me for our anniversary three days before I started to miscarry. I try so hard to fast forward through the commercials with babies in them, so you would only think that while grabbing a few things at Target I could avoid the baby section. But no, not me, I just walk into the middle of racks of baby clothes and think that I'm ready for that. But shocker, I'm not. I tried to convince myself I was ok shopping for my niece and that it would be fine, but trust me, it wasn't.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about my babies that I lost. I thought I was past this. I knew it would leave a scar on my heart, I knew I'd always remember and look back and think about what could have been. But I didn't realize how fresh my wound still is. I feel like there is this gaping hole within me and I don't know how it will ever heal. And if I keep putting myself in the middle of baby clothes I don't see how it ever will.

I know there's happiness ahead, its just getting there.